Atonement

The only thing that has pierced the clouds lately was the closure.

She showed up, reappeared back into my life as she tends to do, but this time was different. She seemed different for the first time in a long time. I told her what I wanted. That I wanted to either meet and talk or never hear from her again.

I walked in to the coffee shop shaking and sweating. Choking on the bowling ball that had suddenly appeared in my throat. I saw her and my heart did that thing it does where it loses the rhythm. I was shotgunned in the chest, and each pellet was a different emotion that threatened to tear the fatal wound.

The predominant ones were mainly fear and rage.

What on earth do you say to start a meeting like that? I was almost more mad that I had nothing to day, because for five years I had been imagining that moment in my head, and I had come up with the best one-liners and comebacks the world had ever seen and scripted dialogue that would have made Tarantino cry. And it was all gone. All I wanted to do was listen. I had one question and it could wait.

I could tell she was as nervous as I was. Shaking. Unsure. At some point it clicked. I suddenly matured an extraordinary amount and realized: ...She was just a person. She wasn't the monster, the supervillain I had built around her. It clicked that she FELT. Not only that, but she had suffered through the last five years just as I had. My anger left. My scars healed. Almost instantly. In a flash, everything stopped. And it was... okay. I felt good. I was at peace. I pray she feels the same.

I don't know how to approach this. I don't know whether or not to use her name. I don't know how to make this perfect, but I need to start somewhere. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the horrible things I have said about you. I'm sorry for the way I have acted and I'm sorry that I was never mature enough to handle all this with any level of responsibility.

And to everyone who is reading this and knows who and what I'm talking about, believe me, this is done. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for listening, putting up with countless blog posts, texts, and nights where I was a drunken, slobbering mess and bawling my eyes out instead of moving on. But this is over. We talked for three hours. We fixed it. She does not deserve anyone's hatred or antagonism.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long. But if you're reading this, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. For loving me well then and letting me have peace now. I truly wish you the best.

Preach to Someone Else.

What is it about this certain group of friends I have that whenever I post something sad, angsty or angry, they just say no? They just shoot me down. "You're wrong." "False." Or my personal favorite, "You're such a downer." It's even better when they throw religion in my face and try to "cure" me by shoving scripture down my throat or giving me a prescription for prayer or church attendance.

Is it that hard for you to ask me what's wrong? Such a challenge to offer a listening ear rather than a preaching mouth? 

I don't need a damn missionary, I need a friend.

[Redacted]

At long last, peace. Rather than a door being closed, a new one has opened. I feel... SO good. Just... fundamentally good.

Gemini

Today my mind is lust and rage, a mass of black tendrils snaking outward into my limbs and setting fire to my nerves. I am passion and wit, soul and machine, man and demon.

Bought and Paid For

So I took a step forward. Maybe.

I'm signing up for a few film classes to start in the fall. Just at SLCC, nothing too fancy.

But is this going to be a good thing? Or is this just going to end up being another tether that will keep me here?

Can't stand my job. I work AT Grainger, not FOR Grainger. I feel no loyalty to that place, no sense of belonging. I feel like a tool that they're using just to keep afloat. Not that Grainger is struggling, not by any means, but... If I were suddenly to leave I don't feel like they would be denied anything special. My job there could be done by a damn robot; all I do is move boxes from point A to B. I've never been valued for my physical abilities but that's all I freaking do. My personality got me hired for the job and all they've done is tuck me away in a the back corner of a dingy warehouse.

This is why I don't feel bad for any of the days I've needed to take off. I've been largely ignored by the staff at Grainger; I'm a damn grunt. I got saddled with a position nobody else wanted, and once I was there everybody moved on and just left me to it. My training consisted of one day of following someone else around while they did they job, and then I was let loose. If I'm doing something wrong it gets pointed out by six people, but if I'm doing something right I'm ignored because I'm merely doing what is expected. If I get one order wrong I get reminded to be careful, but if I move through ninety Will Calls in one day by myself no one bats an eyelash. I'm doing the job of two people at the least and no one cares as long as they don't have to do it. If I ask for help over the walkie talkie I'm either ignored or told I need to improve the tone of my voice. It's.....

BULLSHIT.

Walk-On

So this is great. Really. It's awesome. Love being completely and utterly alone in my room. No one's left. Everyone's been reduced to cameo roles.


So goddamn empty.

Seed

ST:

Stab you through the heart if I could. Bury you alive.

Erase gravity if I could.

Float into eternity. Alone.